If Health Care Plans Were Cars

People say it’s complicated understanding the health care debate, but really it’s easy if you just use some analogies. Here, we’ll relate the various promises and proposals to cars.

Obamacare – The Basics

OK, we got a car designed by a committee, and it’s about as exciting as you’d expect. It needs some work, and takes some money to keep it running, but it will mostly get you where you need to go. And it ain’t especially cheap. Sure, I know, you’d really rather have one of those sleek European models, but this is basically what you can afford. Oh, and everybody is going to have to chip in – no “hitchhikers”, so pony up. But the price will depend on what you make, so if you don’t have much money you’ll pay less. Plus you get to choose whether you ride up front (“gold” and “silver” plans) or in the back (“bronze”).

Trumpcare – “Something Terrific!”

This is what I envisioned from the campaign trail promises – bet you did too, huh? And this thing’s going to cost way less than the doty old sedan we currently have – everybody will be able to afford it. Plus the gas (or maybe coal) that it runs on is going to be dirt cheap! And it’s going to be “so easy” – “Everybody’s going to be taken care of much better than they’re taken care of now.” Woohoo!

Ryancare – What Happened To Terrific?

Hmm… this new bill doesn’t seem to be quite what we were led to expect… The main thing it seems to be touting is “choice”; but our choices seem to be based on whatever we can afford. And the government helps out, but it’s based on how old you are rather than how much you earn… so…

If you’re older and have money, things are looking good!

If you’re older and don’t have money, you’ll get enough subsidy so you’re covered.

If you’re young, you’re going to get less help. If you have money, this is more an annoyance; if you don’t, we’re promised there will still be market-based solutions you can afford.


What’s key is that choice is central to the new legislation – you get to choose what works for you. (Um, except reproductive choice – the new government’s kind of squeamish when it comes to sexual health, or sex in general, so don’t expect them to help out there…) Of course, you might need to make some sacrifices – the bill’s sponsors suggest you might have to choose between health insurance and that new iPhone.

And if your state decides its own high-risk pool is the best way to handle people with pre-existing conditions, you can choose not to have those pre-existing conditions. Wait… that’s not right… oh, right, you can choose to move to a state that’s got better pre-existing condition coverage.

See, it’s all about choice. And most importantly, nobody’s going to force you to buy health insurance now. You’ll now have the freedom to purchase it if you’re smart, or take the risk if you’re not – that’s the America our forefathers created! Get the government off our backs and let each individual decide what level of risk to take, right? Don’t need no damn government tellin’ us what to do, right?


But for those who are smart enough to get themselves health insurance, the new bill finally provides them with choice – the choice to get whatever plan they can afford!

In fact, it may now be possible to bundle health insurance with other insurance you already have, like homeowners insurance.


So let’s celebrate the new bill for what it is – the legislation that will take away our old mediocre insurance, and replace it with the right to choose between no health insurance or bad health insurance! That’s progress! This should really improve the image of the Republicans in congress!

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