Not-omation On My Watch!

It’s well known that my focus has always been on the people, from providing the finest in luxury residential real estate to delivering juicy delicious steaks that just melt in your mouth, ask anyone. And the people thanked me for this by putting me in a position where I can do even more for the people, leaving my enormous business interests to be run by my competent and attractive children, which wasn’t easy to let go of, let me tell you. As I’m sure you’ve heard by now (if you’re not a loser with your head still stuck in a pile of granola nursing hurt feelings over losing so bad!), I’ve already been reaching out to the captains of industry to make sure they know which side their bread is buttered on, so to speak, and it’s the USA side, by the way. There’s the Ford and Toyota plants in Mexico – NOT!, and Air Force One which might be Air Force None if Boeing can’t explain why this thing should cost TEN TIMES as much as my excellent and far better personal plane (which I plan to use anyway because who wants to fly in a second-rate plane when the best is right there). And Carrier learned the art of the deal and and carried those jobs right back from Mexico to my super, super running mate’s home state of Indiana! You’re welcome!!

But I’ve heard some disturbing things from my daughter, who as you know has it all going on upstairs. She tells me that the real threat to the “little guys” isn’t from Mexico and China stealing our jobs like they’re robbing us blind, but from automation, or robots as I like to call them. She really had an impact on me this time (unlike when she tried to tell me that burning coal was a dumb idea and made me meet with that pathetic loser Al Gore and kept going on about it and I told her that burning your bridges was a dumb idea – she got it, and changed the subject – smart girl!!) She painted a picture of some poor family losing a job to automation and being put out on the street on a cold Indiana winter day, with the sheriff or maybe even robots carrying the boxes to the curb and maybe even robots driving the car to the poor house! This is not the vision I have for Making America Great Again – this is not the America any of us want, except maybe the robots who can’t vote anyway so who cares about them, like the illegal immigrants. This bothered me so much that I was up in the middle of the night tweeting my thoughts about this (maybe you’ve heard?) I talked to my closest advisors, and here’s what the kids and I have decided to do.

First, we change the immigration status for robots – stop them right at the border! I’m instructing the border patrol to be extra alert to anyone trying to bring these into the country, which is not as easy as you might think because some of them don’t even look like what you might think a robot should look like – so insidious!! The Wall should help with those coming from the south, because these robots are heavy and would be really hard to lift over the wall, which will anyway be so tall and beautiful that no-one would even try anyway. The northern border is going to be tougher, because it’s long and full of trees and the country on the other side is run by liberals who feel it’s just fine if automation and marijuana ruin the dreams of ordinary people – so sad!! So I’m threatening a tax of 500% on that stuff they pipe into the US in huge quantities and we just lap up – yes I mean maple syrup – if they don’t comply. They don’t let us bring our guns into their country, which is of course seen as a God-given right by anybody who’s not busy fighting over which language a street sign should have, so it’s our right to keep out of our country something that’s really harmful like automation!

Second, we need to persuade our companies not to replace people with automation, and by persuade I mean threaten with big, big penalties. At first I was going to propose a 200% tax on any item produced using automation, but my excellent son-in-law pointed out to me that virtually everything these days is made with some form of automation, excluding of course the terrific Taco Bowl that can only be had at my fabulous Mexican Cafe and is made entirely by hand by genuine LEGAL Mexican immigrants! (See, people think I hate Mexicans, but I love them, I PAY them!) So I came up with a better idea (which he helped flesh out the details of – great advisor and smart kid!!). Any company that replaces a job with a robot will be taxed THE FULL SALARY for that job, for say 5 years, with the money put in a special fund to be used to pay the workers who were displaced by robots! That way the company gets what it wants – a robot who works 24/7 at a way faster pace and never calls in sick, especially the day after a holiday which by the way robots won’t get – and the worker gets to stay in his comfortable Indiana house and shovel snow off the walk and maybe learn to do something like repair robots! It’s a win-win, people, which as you know if you’ve read the book is the heart of the Art of the Deal (you have read the book, right?)

Now, this isn’t going to be easy to get done, given that, unlike the business community, congress still doesn’t seem to know which side its bread is buttered on since I have to keep telling them and they drop it anyway butter-side down. First, some will say, isn’t this just socialism, with the government paying people not to work? FALSE!! It’s not the government paying them, it’s the ROBOTS paying them, and like I said before robots can’t vote (though you can count on the everybody-deserves-a-hug Democrats to try to change that). Second, won’t this demoralize the worker, since he won’t have anything to do but sit at home and shovel snow (and let me tell you, I’ve been to Indiana, and this is something you do a LOT out there!!) Well that worker will now have all the time in the world to do the things he loves, like visit one of the world-class golf resorts that I’ve sacrificed so much to make available to the public. And was that factory job all that inspiring anyway – I mean,  you did get replaced with a robot, after all. And those robots will need cleaning and lubricating and adjustment and so many things, in case you feel like you still need something to do after relaxing in one of my stunning nineteenth-hole lounges (check out the paintings behind the bar!)

So we have a plan for MARFA (Make America Robot-Free Again – I came up with that, no help from the kids needed!) But we need the people to stand up like they did in my crushing victory to tell Washington what’s the right thing to do since they can’t seem to figure it out on their own even when I tell them. You can show your support by ordering one of my signature MARFA caps, made in one of the finest factories in the world in the language of your choice (English, Russian, Spanish) in one of three patriotic colors (guess!!). Let’s MARFA to MAGA! Yours, D.

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