Welcome to Your New Internet! You probably didn’t think it could get any better, but thanks to our new consumer-friendly congress, we, your dedicated Internet Service Providers, are now able to improve your Internet experience in ways you wouldn’t have imagined!
Did you ever wonder why your Internet wasn’t “smarter”? Sure, you can search for things, and companies whose websites you visit will helpfully remind you again and again of the things you’ve been looking at. They’ll even suggest things that they think you might like based on your shopping experience – pretty nifty! But what about all those other companies that might have even better products that you would just adore if you only knew about them? Let’s face it, there is so much out there in cyberspace that the chances are slim to none that you’d ever find them on your own. And that’s where we’re finally able to help out!
Despite being in office for only a couple of short months, the new congress has already passed legislation to put the consumer first at last. The previous government seemed more focused on abstractions like “privacy” and “protection” than in finding ways to make the Internet better. They deliberately prevented us from using your Internet history in any way, even when it would allow us to take your experience to a whole new level. The new government immediately saw and corrected this error in judgment, leaving it to the experts, your Internet Service Providers, to decide how best to use their reams of customer browsing information to massively improve the Internet experience.
What will this mean for you? Only the best and most advanced Internet experience ever! We’re in a new era, where our business partners can share in the rich history we’ll be collecting to provide you exactly what you want without your even having to ask for it! Interested in socks? We’ll know about it, and will alert the finest hosiery sellers worldwide, who will then be reaching out to you to make sure you have access to the softest and warmest socks available. Have you seen the selection on the Socks Alive! website? No? How would you, given the number of sock-focused websites out there, most proffering the run-of-the-mill footwear that you always seem to settle for? Well now you’ll have Socks Alive! coming right to your phone, or tablet, or browser, once your browsing history lets them know that you’re a quality-conscious shopper with a love for fine hosiery.
Did you know there are over 700 firearms manufacturers worldwide? No? Well you soon will, after a simple search for anything gun-related, because our newest partner, Big Bang Brokers, will make sure every one of the manufacturers in their registry knows that you’re a freedom-minded lover of fine firearms. Imagine your delight when a sensational offer from a different weapons vendor greets you each day. And you won’t have to do a thing to make all this happen – we’re here to do that for you!
Of course, we understand that there are those of you who might have reservations about entering such a “brave new world” so quickly. New technology can be intimidating – just imagine the consternation of those accustomed to the speed of horse-drawn carriages when the first automobiles were introduced. There were many who chose to stick with the harness and saddle until they realized there really wasn’t any future in shoveling manure from the barn. We understand this, and it’s natural to have concerns at first.
Maybe you’re concerned that we’ll get the wrong idea about you. You really don’t have to worry – we know those searches for “randy cowboy escorts” and “leather domination lingerie” were all in fun – we’d never hold it against you. And our advanced algorithms can tell whether it’s you browsing, or your spouse, or the kids, so you can be sure that ads from providers of “realistic fake IDs” will only find their way to the “right” recipient. Really – we can tell when it’s you. And our state-of-the-art location detection algorithms will make sure that no workplace-inappropriate ad content finds its way onto your laptop during that financial strategy teleconference. Yes, we’re that good!
But in case you still have reservations, or just need a little more time, we’re pleased to announce our newest business partner, BlackMailBox, who can put your mind at ease for a small monthly fee. They’re happy to acquire on your behalf an exclusive license from us for your browsing history, ensuring that they and they alone have access, with you specifying exactly any exposure you want. Not ready to unleash the full power of Your New Internet yet? Want your data kept securely tucked away out of sight? No problem! Or want to pick and choose which information you share? It’s easy! With packages starting at $19.95 per month (depending on features), you can sleep soundly knowing that your data is securely stored away and waiting for your word (or termination of contract) to release it.
We’re excited, and know you will be too!The Future is Here!
[Cue embedded musical clip: “Getting to know you, getting to know all about you,…”]
Image copyright 2015, Lars Krogh Berg.